Respectful distance

On January 17, 2004, my wife and I lost our youngest daughter, Emily, to cardiac arrest brought on by influenza and myocarditis. She was the light of my life.

Sometime during the past several months, my wife joined an online discussion group consisting of mothers who have lost children. She shared stories and photos of our daughter with the group. Recently, one of the other members took the liberty of creating a web site in "tribute" to our daughter without our permission or input. As the father, I requested that she take the site down, to which she initially responded with a refusal. After getting a follow-up from me, she honored my request.

I miss my daughter every moment of every day. Despite this, some people can't help themselves from intruding. There's a sort of codependency from both concerned family and friends as well as grief groups. Well-meaning people, in misguided attempts to comfort and help, end up hindering rather than helping, and then, when their attempts are politely rebuffed, they become hostile. "I spent a lot of time and effort on that." Perhaps, but no one asked you.

Next time, before you take artistic license with the likeness of a departed loved one, redecorate rooms while the bereaved are out of town, or co-opt a child's death for public consumption and comment, try asking first.